I faked an abortion last night.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
