I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
