She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
