How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
