So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Randomize
