I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
