I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I'm just crazy horny about you
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
