I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Randomize
