I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
