Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
