At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
