Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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