update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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