she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize