Screwed.edu
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
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