Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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