I'm really into asian looking animals
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
