oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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