I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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