I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
