I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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