I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
