I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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