someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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