she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I smell stomach acid.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
