Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
