i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
