I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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