We won't sleep together?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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