If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
