Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
i came on her dog
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
