There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
