i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
my shit smells like andre
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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