4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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