Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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