you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
