forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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