Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
