I hate your face
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
