I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Randomize
