Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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