Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
