I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Randomize
