So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
