I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
