I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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