Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
