I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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