I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
