he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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