I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
