It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
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