Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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