I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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