So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Randomize
