i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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