Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
