And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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