if i can run in heels then i can drive
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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