I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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