that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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